2 min read
09 Jul

Ok, so this is going to be super random, and you might be thinking I have lost my mind. Hang with me for a minute.

Months ago, when potty training really kicked into high gear, Rory and I had one of those really great conversations that you have with some really great couple friends. You know the kind; the people you vacation with, the people you have group conversations with but are also happy talking one-on-one, the people you share so much with that it might be embarrassing if it weren’t just so comfortable. But thankfully those people are the people we had a discussion around the following topic: how do you wipe?

Yes, I know. That is SUPER PERSONAL and OHMYGOD WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THIS?! But the question arose because, dude, we have to TEACH someone how to do this! And really, unless you’ve had children and have gone through this monumental moment, it’s not really something you think about when imagining all the awesome things you will pass along to your beautiful child! The traditions! The art and music you will create together! The dance parties you will have! The, wait, what now? The wiping? What the fuck. How did THAT miss the “What to Expect” books!?

So the question was “How do you wipe”? Everyone knows it’s front to back, but alas! That is not the case for everyone, we found out. Some people do back to front, which blew my mind enough on its own. And we all laughed and had this great conversation about pee, poop, and all the things that happen in the bathroom. We laughed, HARD, about the fact that we were actually having this conversation, and then told each other that it was because we love each other so much and have such a close relationship that we can talk about it. And then we moved on.

Fast forward to the other night. Rory and I are at home, talking to each other about how potty training is going, and we start talking about how teaching Phinn to wipe himself is a difficult thing. Teaching someone to learn how to go potty on their own is big enough. Then you add props to the mix and holy shit. Literally shit. Like, how do you not freak out when poop gets in places it shouldn’t because the little person you are encouraging is learning? You don’t. You suck it up, move on, and teach them REALLY GOOD hand washing habits. So we are laughing at all of this when it dawns on us that we are talking about toilet paper use differently. I told Rory that I was having Phinn wipe his little butt with a little wad of a few squares, then toss it in the bowl. Rory had a hilarious “a-ha” moment at that point. He was like, “wait, how do you do it? What is this little wad of paper you are talking about?” Um. The little wad of paper that is like, 6-7 squares worth of paper wadded up into a little ball that you wipe your ass with, dude. That is the little wad of paper I am talking about, why? How do you do it, freak!?

The next piece of information seriously blew our minds. More so even than that idea that some people wipe the “wrong” way, directionally. But we never even thought that people would utilize toilet paper differently! What is this folding of the squares bullshit? Rory explained (with visual aids (paper only people, we aren’t freaks)) that he takes his squares of paper, folds it into a little nice pile of paper, then wipes that way. We were DYING. I showed him (again, using toilet paper only, not my butt) that I gingerly compile my 6-7 squares of paper together in a fluffy way as to not get my hands in the way, but maximize the paper use. DYING. Like, imagine snorting laughter with tears and gasps for breath. I am tearing up laughing now, just reliving it. Rory said “my” way was probably more eco-friendly since I don’t use as much. And that that method was probably passed down from my Russian heritage since everything was scarce and had to be used to its maximum ability. Which threw us into another fit of laughter, because Russia right now.

So, the question is – what do you do? I am, We are, seriously intrigued. Have you EVER thought about it? Have you EVER thought that this lesson, this very important lesson you learned from your parent(s) and may teach/have taught your kid(s), is something that will follow you (and your kids) along through life just like your traditions for holidays, birthdays, and the like? SEE? MIND BLOWN!


Holy shit. I am still dying. I hope I haven’t offended anyone, but really, if you are offended by this topic, might I recommend a highly awarded book that is currently circulating the Collinsez home? Enjoy!

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