Ok guys, stick with me on this for a minute. I know not everything has to be made into rainbows and puppy dogs. And some stuff can’t be. Some stuff is just pure shit. I get that. (Hence the stormy rainbow). But for a lot of interactions that we experience every day, we can choose to have it be a negative in our lives or a positive. And before I go on, let me start with this. I am going through a lot of change right now. My family is going through a growth spurt. (And not in the way you think. No, this is not me announcing a pregnancy. We think Phinneas is probably our one-hit-wonder, and while nothing is locked down yet, that is probably where we are headed). We are all growing personally. We’ve had a lot of things happen within the last couple of years. And that means a lot of shit to work through. Not all fun and bubbles for me/us right now. But I am really trying to take my own advice here, and so sharing it with you all may be a way to hold myself accountable to this.
Because of where I am at personally in my life right now, I have recently had the opportunity to look back at how I got here. So, let me just lay it out for a minute. Within the last couple of years, Rory and I (or sometimes Rory or I) have:
I am sure I am forgetting some events. Or I am purposefully leaving some things out (because they aren’t my stories to tell). But on top of all of that, a few of our friends are going through some very tough times right now. Which leads me to the heart of this blog.
I usually just forge ahead. I have a hard time sitting and allowing myself to be sad. To be mad. To be anything but the fixer, and just move on. Something happens, and I look at it and figure out how to fix it. How to move past and just get on with it. But I think, that with everything that we’ve experienced in the last couple of years, it’s all caught up with me. I am reading a lot about being burnt out lately, and I think I am bordering on that. So, I talked about it all, a lot, with Rory. (He’s actually the one who pointed out the fact that I just go forward and perhaps I should sit and be in it.) well, yesterday it all hit me. And I gave myself permission to feel it all. And shit. I think I cried enough for 4 days’ worth of tears. Rory came home early, took Phinn to go hang out upstairs and unpack some of the music studio, and I stayed downstairs and just cried. I cried for Diesel. I cried for Nana Katy. I cried for missing my family and my friends. I cried for my friends at my work who, regardless of how this shakes out, I may not work with again. I cried at the fact that I have loved working at this company for almost 8 years, and that it is coming to an end. I cried for the uncertainty of my future schedule. I cried for the uncertainty that Phinn may experience at school. I cried for my friends, who are dealing with huge life issues like divorce, lying, manipulation, cheating, loss, heartbreak, and starting over. I cried for being so mad at myself for crying about it all. (Because for those of you who know me, I am a crier. And I HATE it. I hate that I cry when I am happy, and I cry when I am sad. I cry when I get my feelings hurt, and I cry when I am frustrated. I cry. I have tried to stop, and it makes me crazy. So, I cry.). Then I took a shower and had a good long talk with myself while shaving my legs (because as Eugenia well knows, my epiphany’s or a-ha moments mostly come to me in the bathroom) and I decided that it was good I did all that crying, and that it was fine to do on a Tuesday. But that on Wednesday, it was a new day. And that I will move on. But not in the forging ahead and blasting through everything way that I normally move on.
I am giving myself permission to be sad if I need, or be mad, or be super happy, or to go to bed at 8PM and not feel guilty about it because I wake up at 4AM. I am allowing myself to be super disappointed in a friend and how that person is acting, and to mourn the fact that I might not talk to that person again. I am allowing myself to be excited about the idea of a new job, because I have been mistreated in the past with this one in such a bad way that I am still experiencing trauma over it. I am allowing myself to be super excited for Phinn to go to school, because he is super excited about it and I will not allow myself to ruin that for him. He will be strong and make good decisions and hopefully the foundation we’ve laid for him will provide him a strong trampoline to jump from and be successful in whatever he wishes. And I am allowing myself to be the best friend I can to my Ohana – my sweet, sweet people who lift me up and love me and my family so much. And it is my turn to return that favor.
So, you guys know who you are and I don’t want to call you out here (there’s a few of you), but know that I see and hear you. I hear that you are scared and frustrated and lost at the moment. I see that you are heartbroken, and I love you for it. That means you went into it with 110%, and that is the best way to approach anything, especially relationships. I see your hesitant excitement at your possible future, and I am so outrageously excited for you! And for every bad thing that you are concerned that your Ohana might witness, know that you control the narrative. You can flip it. I did. When my mom and dad split, I took my dad’s actions as a lesson on how NOT to be in a relationship. I looked at his behavior and said, “that sucks and I don’t ever want to make someone feel like that.” And I learned. I will actively participate in my life. I will make decisions, some good and some not so good, but I will make them and live with them. And by choosing that path, I then set that example for Phinneas. When you choose to no longer live with abuse, complacency, negativity, hate, and the like, you show your children that those behaviors and characteristics are not acceptable nor tolerated. You show them, by not allowing them in your life any longer, that they should not choose those traits or allow that behavior in their lives. You provide them with the correct path out of the bad one. You show them the good example by not allowing the bad example in your life. You show them the light. And then you can watch them shine in it.
So, that is where I am at currently. I know it’s a lot. But I feel like sharing with you because by doing so, I am following my own advice. I am reaching out to my Ohana and asking for love. I am asking for laughter. I am asking for you to be better in your lives so you can share that betterness with the rest of us. (And yes, that is totally a word.)