For every bad example. . . there’s a really good lesson


4 min read
05 Jun
05Jun

Ok guys, stick with me on this for a minute. I know not everything has to be made into rainbows and puppy dogs. And some stuff can’t be. Some stuff is just pure shit. I get that. (Hence the stormy rainbow). But for a lot of interactions that we experience every day, we can choose to have it be a negative in our lives or a positive. And before I go on, let me start with this. I am going through a lot of change right now. My family is going through a growth spurt. (And not in the way you think. No, this is not me announcing a pregnancy. We think Phinneas is probably our one-hit-wonder, and while nothing is locked down yet, that is probably where we are headed). We are all growing personally. We’ve had a lot of things happen within the last couple of years. And that means a lot of shit to work through. Not all fun and bubbles for me/us right now. But I am really trying to take my own advice here, and so sharing it with you all may be a way to hold myself accountable to this.

Because of where I am at personally in my life right now, I have recently had the opportunity to look back at how I got here. So, let me just lay it out for a minute. Within the last couple of years, Rory and I (or sometimes Rory or I) have:

  • Lost a pregnancy and I had to have not one, but two D&C procedures within a few months apart. That is super fun, in case you are wondering.
  • Had to put Diesel down. He was my baby, my spirit animal. He got me through some very dark times, and I literally owe my life to that dog. I’ll blog about that some other time. One hard thing at a time right now, please.
  • Moved to Hawaii. This is both the most amazing thing ever and also one of the hardest decisions we’ve ever made. We are reminded on a daily basis how far removed we are from friends, family, and familiarity. And we do our very best to keep in close connection with everyone, but it is difficult. I am not even going to lie.
  • Lost Katy. Rory’s mom, my mother-in-law and very close friend, and Phinn’s Nana. This was, and continues to be, a very big loss in our lives. Not a day goes by that we don’t think of her. And I really miss talking to her. She was such an intelligent and kind woman, and I miss her influence, advice, and love.
  • Had a fucking crazy nanny the first few months we were here on island. She was great at first, let’s call her Kailey. Kailey was great, we all loved her. She quickly fit into our family, and Phinneas had a blast with her. I had a crazy work trip, and Rory had a crazy show while I was gone, so Kailey stayed at our house mostly all day/night to watch Phinn. They had a blast. Then, the week I got home, she flipped. She was obviously on something, I couldn’t trust her to take Phinn to the park, or really be alone with him, and Rory and I had to let her go. We then found out via other parents at the park that she was saying that she was Phinn’s mom, I was the nanny, and she basically told everyone my story and claimed it as her own. A little too close to “The Hand that Rocks the Cradle” for my liking. Good thing I don’t have asthma or a greenhouse.
  • Got Phinn into a great school, but on the other side of the island, so we had to move. Our landlord let us out of our lease, but now he is reneging on that and saying we have to pay rent until they either rent out our old place or sell it. So we are in the middle of that crap right now.
  • Moved to the other side
  • I had back surgery. Not an easy decision since both of my parents had multiple back surgeries and they were never the same after those, but I was in such pain I didn’t have a choice. My sciatic pain is gone, toes are still numb, and the back pain is still there. So I am quite frustrated with that.
  • Rory had back surgery. Almost the same as mine, but he had a very good outcome. He has some tingling in his fingers/arm, but the doc thinks that will go away, and he’s been told to keep taking it easy but that he is on the mend. His doctor took a follow-up X-ray. Makes sense, seeing as though they wouldn’t know if they did what they were supposed to do unless they looked in there. Why didn’t I get a post-surgery X-ray? Hmmm…
  • My job. What the fuck is up with that? We still don’t know what is happening. It’s been 6 weeks today since the announcement that we are being acquired, and there’s not been any other information released to us. So we are all left to worry about what our fates are, if we have a future at the purchasing company, if we are going to get hosed from this transaction, etc. I keep performing my duties and moving projects forward, but when the future is so unclear you need a mask to see through the sludge, it’s hard to enthusiastically jump in the water, eh?
  • Phinneas starts school in August. I know this happens all the time. Kids go to school. But I am so – well, I don’t actually know how to put it into words. Everything is going to change, our schedules, our time we get to spend together, me being able to yell out and have Phinn respond to me at any time of the day. And also, outside influence is going to start affecting our perfect little baby. This little being who we have been able to protect, and pretend for him that this whole world is beautiful and kind and wonderful and that we don’t have a sitting president who wants to ruin everything that is actually magical and good in this world, is going to be outside of our home for a good chunk of the day. And he is going to a school that also creates this same lovely world view, one that makes you want to contribute to, protect, and be a part of. But the outside world puts its impression on all of us, good and bad, and it scares me.

I am sure I am forgetting some events. Or I am purposefully leaving some things out (because they aren’t my stories to tell). But on top of all of that, a few of our friends are going through some very tough times right now. Which leads me to the heart of this blog.

I usually just forge ahead. I have a hard time sitting and allowing myself to be sad. To be mad. To be anything but the fixer, and just move on. Something happens, and I look at it and figure out how to fix it. How to move past and just get on with it. But I think, that with everything that we’ve experienced in the last couple of years, it’s all caught up with me. I am reading a lot about being burnt out lately, and I think I am bordering on that. So, I talked about it all, a lot, with Rory. (He’s actually the one who pointed out the fact that I just go forward and perhaps I should sit and be in it.) well, yesterday it all hit me. And I gave myself permission to feel it all. And shit. I think I cried enough for 4 days’ worth of tears. Rory came home early, took Phinn to go hang out upstairs and unpack some of the music studio, and I stayed downstairs and just cried. I cried for Diesel. I cried for Nana Katy. I cried for missing my family and my friends. I cried for my friends at my work who, regardless of how this shakes out, I may not work with again. I cried at the fact that I have loved working at this company for almost 8 years, and that it is coming to an end. I cried for the uncertainty of my future schedule. I cried for the uncertainty that Phinn may experience at school. I cried for my friends, who are dealing with huge life issues like divorce, lying, manipulation, cheating, loss, heartbreak, and starting over. I cried for being so mad at myself for crying about it all. (Because for those of you who know me, I am a crier. And I HATE it. I hate that I cry when I am happy, and I cry when I am sad. I cry when I get my feelings hurt, and I cry when I am frustrated. I cry. I have tried to stop, and it makes me crazy. So, I cry.). Then I took a shower and had a good long talk with myself while shaving my legs (because as Eugenia well knows, my epiphany’s or a-ha moments mostly come to me in the bathroom) and I decided that it was good I did all that crying, and that it was fine to do on a Tuesday. But that on Wednesday, it was a new day. And that I will move on. But not in the forging ahead and blasting through everything way that I normally move on.

I am giving myself permission to be sad if I need, or be mad, or be super happy, or to go to bed at 8PM and not feel guilty about it because I wake up at 4AM. I am allowing myself to be super disappointed in a friend and how that person is acting, and to mourn the fact that I might not talk to that person again. I am allowing myself to be excited about the idea of a new job, because I have been mistreated in the past with this one in such a bad way that I am still experiencing trauma over it. I am allowing myself to be super excited for Phinn to go to school, because he is super excited about it and I will not allow myself to ruin that for him. He will be strong and make good decisions and hopefully the foundation we’ve laid for him will provide him a strong trampoline to jump from and be successful in whatever he wishes. And I am allowing myself to be the best friend I can to my Ohana – my sweet, sweet people who lift me up and love me and my family so much. And it is my turn to return that favor.

So, you guys know who you are and I don’t want to call you out here (there’s a few of you), but know that I see and hear you. I hear that you are scared and frustrated and lost at the moment. I see that you are heartbroken, and I love you for it. That means you went into it with 110%, and that is the best way to approach anything, especially relationships. I see your hesitant excitement at your possible future, and I am so outrageously excited for you! And for every bad thing that you are concerned that your Ohana might witness, know that you control the narrative. You can flip it. I did. When my mom and dad split, I took my dad’s actions as a lesson on how NOT to be in a relationship. I looked at his behavior and said, “that sucks and I don’t ever want to make someone feel like that.” And I learned. I will actively participate in my life. I will make decisions, some good and some not so good, but I will make them and live with them. And by choosing that path, I then set that example for Phinneas. When you choose to no longer live with abuse, complacency, negativity, hate, and the like, you show your children that those behaviors and characteristics are not acceptable nor tolerated. You show them, by not allowing them in your life any longer, that they should not choose those traits or allow that behavior in their lives. You provide them with the correct path out of the bad one. You show them the good example by not allowing the bad example in your life. You show them the light. And then you can watch them shine in it.

So, that is where I am at currently. I know it’s a lot. But I feel like sharing with you because by doing so, I am following my own advice. I am reaching out to my Ohana and asking for love. I am asking for laughter. I am asking for you to be better in your lives so you can share that betterness with the rest of us. (And yes, that is totally a word.)

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